A little lonely.

I’ve always thought that, with the world behind my back, I would not be so scared. I would be brave, to face on any difficulties and overcome the hurdles. At that point, the ‘world’ probably referred to the people around me, my pillars of support.

Lately I’ve been lonely. It has become harder for me to find someone to speak to, someone to truly bare my heart with. Everything just feels so hard to handle right now and I’m in a constant state of tiredness. Tired of losing friends, tired of doing things wrong, tired of everything. I’d look in the mirror and I’m not sure if it’s myself I’m seeing anymore. It seems that every step I take with the people I treasure, only ended up pushing them even further away from me.

Is it that our time with each other is up? I doubt I’d ever be able to go back to the past with them. What happened to all those times we promised we’d stick by each other forever? It got lost between our exchanges, our selfish blames, our meaningless arguments and banter. It’s never a one-sided fault, so I’ve never thought that I am blame-less. Perhaps it would have been easier if I’d thought I did not do anything wrong, then at least I’d stop blaming myself as much. But I know, I’ve done things wrong myself too.

Sorry. One word. But it is so hard for people to understand the meaning, voice it properly and use it. But it seems to be too late for that word to help.

I will probably find myself back again, somewhere along the way. But I don’t know if those people I treasured and lost, I would ever find back again.